Things keep changing and feelings swinging constantly. One time I can be proud of where I am and how I’m doing, the next, I’m scared and anxious and not sure of anything. I was so pleased to win the university challenge trophy and placed it facing your ashes so that you could share it and know you helped me achieve it. I struggle like mad, I seem to get a brief lull in the waves and then they crash up out of nowhere and I keep thinking how I’m supposed to get through this. I miss you and think about you every day, I need to talk to you but I want you to answer me. I’m scared I’m not good, that I don’t deserve to achieve the things I want, that I’m a narcissist, that I’m fooling myself and everybody else and I want you to tell me the truth, I want to know how to keep fighting and if it or I am worth it. I’m scared again mum. I want to be a strong 45 year old woman who is in control and not keep needing help or reassurance. I need b12 injections like dad had to have recently. I hope it helps and I hope I storm through my last year of uni like a Duracell bunny. I should write my thoughts to you more often but I think of you so much anyway and try to feel your presence to bring me peace. I look forward to being with you again so much but I want to live first in a way that will make you happy. I love you so much.