It is today. In a few hours the hospital will call dad and ask him to come in. He will call me and ask me to get him. I can’t remember if I drove and picked dad up and came to you or if Rich drove us. I remember the kids breaking down pretty much as soon as I told them that the hospital had called for us to see you, I told them that it was ok, that you were in a state and that the hospital staff may just want us there to sooth you as you wouldn’t keep your mask on. I told them that it didn’t necessarily mean the worst. In a few hours time, I get to spend 26 hours by your side, I get to fall and break and scream while standing in the car park, wondering if I was going to ever be whole or peaceful or sane again. I really thought at times that my brain was melting and twisting trying to understand what was happening, how it was happening, how somebody could suffer so much when they deserved the very best of everything. I didn’t know then that my peace could only come with your peace. I didn’t know that when God took you and changed my world so completely, I would have to eventually go all out to take back control. If my world had to be forever different, I needed to ensure it would be forever different in other ways too and by my doing. I don’t recognise my life now. I don’t have my mum but I’m at university doing what I told you I wanted to do. Today was the final day of my scrub placement and I’ve done brilliant. I’ve excelled at most things thanks to you. I’ve felt your presence from the first day I attended uni and you’ve never failed to still be there when I’ve needed your strength. I feel like I’m double the person I used to be because I carry you, your thoughts and wishes for me. I have a restraint that I never experienced before, a cool head when it would normally combust in temper, a rationality and calmness that you always wished for me to possess. I feel like I am you and me in one mind. But it doesn’t stop me missing you. It doesn’t stop me looking towards the hospital and willing them to call and say that you’re ready to come home now. It doesn’t make things feel more real and I still feel unsure if any of life is real but I don’t mind going along with it because I’m lucky… I’ve got my family and a life I do love and wouldn’t want to leave yet but I also have a reason to look forward to the next life because now it isn’t to escape my life or ease pain and not exist, now I just look forward to being with you again, experiencing the things that I promised you that you would experience. Tonight you are still here and tomorrow you are still here. I hold your hand even though it’s through stupid bloody gloves. I examine them and glue the memory of your freckles and slim fingers and beautiful nails into my brain because I love them and need to see what I recognise of you. I love you.