I know this can be private or public to visitors to your site. As yet I don’t know what this will be.
I look up something new everyday:

Keepsakes from funeral flowers.

What is the meaning of that final tear?

What is the last sense to die?

How am I supposed to feel?

Today is 3/4/21 Your funeral was 30/3/21.Dad broke his arm the night before your funeral, I keep telling you this in my head and I keep hearing you tell me that you know. I know you know but I still need to tell you.
I can feel you right now and I love that I can feel you, it makes me feel like everything might still be real and ok even though you’re not physically here.

I know we all hopefully lose our parents before we lose our own and our children’s lives but knowing this just makes me feel self absorbed when I worry how I’ll cope. I know it is part of life but I worry because I struggled while you were here, you were my everything, I always turned to you for every little moan, annoyance, despair, happy event, surprise news, gossip... you were always the first and the best person for me to turn to. I don’t need to tell you how my mind works and I wonder if you know even better from where you are how it works even now. I get scared it will break and it will be out of my control but even more than that, I get scared that those I love will think I let it break. I won’t, I try every day to keep it strong and keep it going but sometimes it will slip a bit. Sometimes I need to give in to it because it actually stops it getting totally fried. A day of despair and tears, anger and coldness, is better than time spent in a psychiatric unit or having no life at all. 
I promised you me and dad would look after one another and we really are doing our best and will continue to. I still don’t believe you won’t come back though, not yet.

I love you.